Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
