my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
