watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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