I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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