i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
organizing the empties. That sober.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
