There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
