peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
whose ass print is on the piano?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
