i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
