and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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