I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
