is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
