I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I need to align my fucking chakras
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