at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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