I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
