i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
