Girls should come with a carfax report
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
