none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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