I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
