she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
