GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
