took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
