his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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