I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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