wanna go halves on a baby?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
