This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
