I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
