Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
