Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
