you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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