my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
