I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
