The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
