When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
