Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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