for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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