Michael Bay diarrhea
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
