I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
