I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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