Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
