He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
