She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize