She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
