party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
