K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
