Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
