Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
