the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
