Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
one two three fourrrrnication!
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Randomize
