just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
