Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
