I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
