3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
