I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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